Three contractors are bidding to fix the White House fence.
One from New York, another from Tennessee, and the third, Florida. They go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
“Well,” he says. “I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The New York contractor doesn’t measure or figure,
but leans over to the White House official and
The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?”
“Easy,” the New Yorker explains, “$1,000 for you, $1,000 for me, and we hire the guy from Tennessee.”
A Simple Question
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” Bob asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’”
Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much
A counterfeiter decided that the easiest way to pass off his phony $18 bills would be to unload them in some small rural town, so he drove until hefound a tiny town with a single general merchandise store.
He entered the store, went up to the counter, and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. “Could you change this for me, please?”
The store clerk looked at the bill for a few seconds then smiled at the man. “Of course I can. Would you prefer two $9 bills or three $6 bills?”
A guest of a resort hotel in a tourist area walked in the dining room where breakfast was being served. The guest sat down at atable and called a waiter to take his order. “I would like two eggs, over easy, one with the yolk overcooked and rubbery and the other undercooked with the yolk broken and running out on the plate. I would also like some hash browns that has been fried and set out on the plate to get cold, burnt toast that has also grown so cold that it crunches and crumbles into nothing at the first bite, and butter that has been in the freezer so that it is impossible to spread, and a pot of coffee that is lukewarm and very weak.”
The waiter busily scratched down the guest’s order and said, “This is a very complicated order, sir. It might be difficult to deliver it exactly as you have requested.”
The guest replied, “But I had that exact breakfast here yesterday!”
As the family gathered for a big dinner together the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.
There were audible gasps around the table, and then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. “Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?”
“You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another.
The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”
Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything, but the golf ball. It sat in the same spot.
So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.
Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”
Said the other ant, “I don’t know about you, but I’m going toget on the ball.”
Q:What do you call a fake noodle?
Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?
Little Shloimie Rothbart had just been put to bed for the umpteenth time and his mother’s patience was wearing thin. “If I hear you call ‘Mommy’ one more time, you will be punished,” she warned him sternly.
For a while it was quiet, and then she heard a small voice call from the top of the stairs, “Mrs. Rothbart? Can I have a drink of water?”
Mrs. Rosenbaum was known for being a difficult customer at
the local grocery store.
“Give me two pounds of oranges,” she asked the saleswoman, “But I need you to wrap every orange up in separate pieces
“And three pounds of cherries, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too.” The saleswoman obliged.
“And what is that over there?” Mrs. Rosenbaum asked pointing to a bushel in the corner. “Those are raisins,” said the saleswoman, “but they are not for sale!”
I am NOT the Maid
Like many mothers, Shirley Millman always struggled to get her sons to do their chores and keep the house clean.
“I am NOT the maid!” Shirley often said.
When the oldest Millman boy Danny went off to sleep away camp, he called his mother a week after camp started to report a strange conversation he overheard.
“Ma,” said Danny, “There’s a dormitory maid and she was in the men’s restroom cleaning up and then she saw a camper who hadn’t picked up after himself and then you know what she
said to him?”
“I am NOT your mother!”