Teacher:I’m going to ask two questions. If you answer the first one, you won’t have to answer the second one.
Teacher:How many hairs to you have on your head?
Teacher:How do you know?
Student:Hey, that’s the second question. I don’t need to answer that!
Patient: Dr. Gold, I went to
Dr. Silver the other day and…
Dr. Gold:Don’t listen to him, he doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’ll prove it to you – what did hetell you?
Patient:He told me that I should go to you.
Teacher:Everybody hand in your homework, please.
Students:Teacher, it’s the first day of school. We didn’t have any homework!
Teacher:That’s right, and that’s the last excuse for not doing your homework that I’ll accept for the rest of the year.
Teacher:Why are you
Joseph:Because of a sign down the road.
Teacher:What does a sign have to do with your being late?
Joseph: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”
Morris developed a terrible cough while he was in school. He went to the nurse, and after she gave him some cough medication, she told him to return the next day.
The following day, Morris returned to the nurse’s office.
“Your cough sounds much better,” the nurse said.
“It should,” replied Morris, “I’ve been practicing all night.”
Teacher:If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: No, listen carefully again.
If I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits,
how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher: Let’s try this another way.
If I give you two apples, and two apples, and another two apples,
how many apples have you got?
Teacher:Good. Now if I give you two rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Teacher:How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits
Carol:I’ve already got one rabbit at home now!
Little Joey asked his father, “Pop, do you have an extra picture of yourself? I need it for a
He gave Little Joey a picture he had lying around without thinking to ask what the project was.
A few days later Little Joey’s father was in his son’s classroom for a parent-teacher meeting when he noticed his face pinned to a mural the students had created.
The title of their project was: “The oldest thing in my house.”
Moishe was having trouble understanding the complicated flow of the Talmud, so one of the rabbis suggested that he start doing some puzzles, which might help him develop his intellect.
Exasperated after a few hours with no success, Moishe called his friend Shimmy. “Shimmy, please come over to my house and help me. The rabbi told me to do jigsaw puzzles so I got one but I can’t figure out how to get it started.”
Shimmy asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” Moishe said, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”
Shimmy decided to go over and help with the puzzle. Moishe let Shimmy in and showed him the puzzle spread all over the table. Shimmy studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to Moishe and said, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”
Then Shimmy patted his friend on the shoulder and said, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then,” he sighed, “let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”
The Library in Chelm
Chaim Yankel, one of the less intelligent residents of the famed city of Chelm, walks up to the counter and says: “I’d like a burger, fries, and a Diet Coke.”
The man behind the counter says, “This is a library!”
“Oy, how silly of me,” says Chaim Yankel. Then he whispers,
“I’d like a burger, fries, and a Diet Coke.”
Mr. Cooperman hadn’t been feeling well so he went to visit Dr. Rosen. The doctor examined Mr. Cooperman, left the room, and then came back with three different bottles of pills.
Dr. Rosen said, “Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you wake up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after you eat lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water.”
Startled to be put on so much medicine, Mr. Cooperman stammered, “Wow Doc, exactly what is my problem?”
Dr. Rosen replied, “You’re not drinking enough water.”
What kind of school do you go to if you are…
an ice cream man?