Forget Me Not
There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don’t forget. They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. “You might want to write it down,” she said. The husband said, “No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream.” She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. “Write it down,” she told him, and again he said, “No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream.” Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “Write it down,” she told her husband and again he said, “No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. “So, he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon. The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, “Where’s the toast?”
A True Story
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,”hung up, counted to 30, and phonedthe police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
A manwent to his lawyer and told him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?”asked the lawyer. “Nope,”replied the man. “OK, then write him a letter asking
him for the $5,000 he owed you,”said the lawyer. “But it’s only $500,”replied the man. “Precisely – that’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!”
A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?” “You’ll know tonight,”he said. That evening,the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled “The Meaning of Dreams.”
Just Like a Baby
Marvin and Herman, two elderly gentlemen at the local retirement center in Florida were sitting on a bench under a tree when Marvin turns to Herman and says, “Herman, I’m 86 years old now,
and I’m just full of aches and pains.
Is it just me? You’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Herman says, “I feel just like a
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and when I don’t get my nap I get very cranky.”
Teacher: “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Teacher: “What are you talking about?”
Student: “Yesterday you said it’s H to O!”
Like A Surgeon
The Rosenblums invited their friends the Kushners for Shabbat dinner where they planned to serve a feast including a whole stuffed turkey. Dr. Kushner was a well-known surgeon so Heshie Rosenblum made quite the show when he started carving up the Turkey.
“How am I doing, doc? How do you like that technique? I’d make a pretty good surgeon, don’t you think?”
When Heshie was finished and the slices of turkey were distributed, Dr. Kushner spoke up: “Anybody can take them apart, Heshie. Now let’s see you put them back together again.”
Moishe arrived home at around 5:30pm as usual. Soon after, he discovered that it was not one of his wife Miriam’s better days. Nothing Moishe said or did was right.
By 7:30pm, things had not changed, so Moishehad an idea.
He suggested that he go outside, pretend that he had just gotten home, and start all over again. Miriam agreed.
Moishe went outside, came back in and, with a big smile, announced, “Honey, I’m home!”
“And just where have you been?” Miriam replied sharply.
“It’s after seven thirty!”
A man called his child’s doctor, “Hello! My son just snatched my pen when I was writing and swallowed it. What should I do?”The doctor replied, “Until I can come over, write with a pencil.”
Fred and Bob
Fred: “Why do elephants wear red nail polish?”
Bob: “I don’t know, why?”
Fred: “To hide in cherry trees.”
Bob: “But I’ve never seen an elephant in a cherry tree.”
Fred: “See, it works.”
Riddle Me This
Q: If you were forced to go through one of the following doors, which door do you go through with 100% certainty you’d stay alive: a door with an armed man behind it, a door with a tiger who hasn’t eaten in 7 years behind it, or a door with an electric chair behind it?
A:The one with the tiger behind it, because if it hasn’t eaten in
7 years it’s dead.
Q: How can you identify a dogwood tree?
A:By its bark!
Q:What’s cleverer than speaking in several languages?
A:Keeping your mouth shut in one.