A dad coming back to his campsite for sunscreen while the rest of his family plays at the lake notices a van pulling up into a neighboring empty site. As soon as the engine dies, the doors fly open and four children of varying ages burst out and fly into a frenzy of activity. Their parents follow quickly behind them, with the mom and dad unloading gear as the kids rake the area, set up the tent, and arrange the fire pit. Amazed at their efficiency, the dad with the sunscreen walks over and watches for a moment more before commenting to his fellow father, “I’ve never seen a family work so well together – and so fast.” “Yeah,” the other dad says while unrolling a sleeping bag. “We live a few hours away, and our policy is that nobody gets to go to the bathroom after the drive until the camp is set up.”
The $50,000 Question
Bob had finally made it to the last round of the $50,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the host MC that he desired a question on American History.
The big night arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The MC stepped up to the microphone.
“Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away
$50,000 richer. Are you ready?”
Bob nodded with a cocky confidence – the crowd went nuts. He hadn’t missed a question all week.
“Bob, yours is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first.
As a rule, the second half of the question
is always easier. Which part would you like
to take a stab at first?”
Bob was becoming more noticeably nervous.
He couldn’t believe it, but he was not sure.
Even though American History was his easiest subject, he decided to play it safe.
“I’ll try the easier part first.”
The MC nodded approvingly. “Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half.”
The audience grew silent with gross anticipation…
“Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?”
One weekend my friend Sally, a nurse, was looking after her six-year-old nephew when he fell off a playground slide and hit his head.
Worried that he might have a concussion, she checked him all night. Every hour, she’d gently shake him and ask, “What’s your name?” Soon, he began moaning in protest each time she entered the room.
When Sally went in at 5:00am, she found something white on his forehead. Leaning close, she saw a crayon-scrawled message taped to his forehead.
It read: “My name is Daniel.”
Weary of constantly picking clothes up from the floor of her son’s room, a mother finally laid down the law: each item of clothing she had to pick up would cost her son 25 cents.
By the end of the week, he
owed her $1.50. She received the money promptly, along
with a 50-cent tip and a note that read,
“Thanks, Mom; keep up the good work!”
An elderly lady, who lived on the third floor of a boardinghouse, broke her leg. As the doctor put a cast on it, he warned her not to climb any stairs. Several months later, the doctor took off the cast.
“Can I climb stairs now?” asked the little old lady.
“Yes,” he replied.
“Thank goodness!” she said. “I’m sick and tired of shinnying up and down that drainpipe!”
No Laughing Matter
The boss joined a group of his workers at the coffee area and told a series of jokes he’d heard recently. Everybody laughed loudly. Everybody, that is, except Mike.
When he noticed that he was getting no reaction from Mike, the boss said, “What’s the matter, Mike? No sense of humor?”
“My sense of humor is fine,” he said. “But I don’t have to laugh.
I’m quitting tomorrow.”
Division of Labor
The Rosenthal’s had an outstandingly happy and successful marriage, and Mr. Rosenthal was once asked to what heattributed this remarkable situation.
“It’s simple,” he said. “Division of labor. My wife makes all the small, routine decisions. She decides what house we buy, where we go on vacation, whether the kids go to private schools, if I should change my job, and so on.”
“I make the big, fundamental decisions. I decide if the United States should declare war on North Korea, if Congress should appropriate money for a manned expedition to Mars, and so on.”
A man was on a longwalk in the country. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink.
The owner of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a little pig running around the kitchen, running up tothe visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig
The homeowner replied: “Ah, he’s not that friendly. That’s his bowl you’re using.”
What a Hoot
Each evening bird lover Tom stood in his backyard, hooting like an owl – and one night, an owl called back to him. For a year, the man and his feathered friend hooted back and forth. He even kept a log of the “conversation.”
Just as he thought he was on the verge of a breakthrough in interspecies communication, his wife had a chat with her next door neighbor.
“My husband spends his nights… calling out to owls,” she said.
“That’s odd,” the neighbor replied. “So does my husband.”
VP of Peas
Morty was so excited about his promotion to Vice President of the company he worked for and kept bragging about it to his wife for weeks on end.
Finally she couldn’t take it any longer, and told him, “Listen, it means nothing, they even have a Vice President of peas at the grocery store!”
“Really?” he said. Not sure if this was true or not, Morty decided to call the grocery store.
A clerk answers and Morty asks, “Can I please talk to the Vice President of peas?”
The clerk replies, “Canned or frozen?”