The Million Dollar Question
A poor man walking in the forest feels close enough to Gd to ask,
“Gd, what is a million years to you?”
Gd replies, “My son, a million years to you is like a second to me.”
The man asks, “Gd, what is a million dollars to you?”
Gd replies, “My son, a million dollars to you is less than a penny to me. It means almost nothing to me.”
The man asks, “So Gd, can I have a million dollars?”
And Gd replies, “In a second.”
Charlie was thrilled when he called his parents overseas to tell them that they were the proud grandparents to beautiful twin girls, Talia and Devorah.
“Oh, such wonderful news!” exclaimed the new Grandma. “Tell me, who do Talia and Devorah look like?”
Charlie paused, smiled, and said, “Each other!”
George Washington is the only president who didn’t blame
the previous administration
for his troubles.
Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it
In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
A young boy and his dad went out fishing one fine morning. After a few quiet hours out in the boat, the boy became curious about the world around him. He looked up at his dad and asked,“How do fish breathe under water?”
His dad thought about it for a moment, then replied, “I really don’t know, son.”
The boy sat quietly from another moment, then turned back to his dad and asked, “How does our boat float on the water?”
Once again, his dadreplied, “Don’t know, son.”
Pondering his thoughts again, a short while later, the boy asks, “Why is the sky blue?”
Again, his dad replied, “Don’t know, son.”
The inquisitive boy, worried he was annoying his father, asks this time “Dad, do you mind that I’m asking you all of these questions?”
“Of course, not son.” replied his dad. “How else are you ever going to learn anything?”
A Walk in the Rain
Two men of Chelm went out for a walk, when suddenly it began to rain.
“Quick,” said one. “Open your umbrella.”
“It won’t help,” said his friend. “My umbrella is full of holes.”
“Then why did you bring it?”
“I didn’t think it would rain!”
“Daddy,” a little girl asked her father, “do all fairy tales begin with, ʻOnce upon a timeʼ? ”
“No, sweetheart,” he answered. “Some begin with, ʻIf I am elected…ʼ”
Chaim was a good man, but boy was he stingy. He would bargain and haggle on a price, never paying the price asked. He especially hated paying his medical bills.
One day, while eating fish, a bone became lodged in his throat and within minutes he could scarcely breathe. His wife frantically called Dr. Goldman, who arrived just as Chaim’s face was turning blue. Dr. Goldman quickly removed the bone with a pair of forceps.
After Chaim was breathing normally again, although overwhelmed with gratitude to the doctor for saving his life, he began to worry about the medical bill.
Trying his best to keep his costs down, Chaim turned to Dr. Goldman and asked, “How much do I owe you for this small two-minute job?”
Dr. Goldman, who knew his patient’s miserly
habits all too well, replied, “Just pay me half of what you would have when the bone was still
stuck in your throat!”
Moishe was invited by some colleagues at his accounting firm to go golfing. The four men approached the first tee which had a straight fairway which ran along a road with a bike path fenced off on the left.
“Why don’t you go first, Moishe,” said John Callahan. Moishe was nervous – he wasn’t much of a golfer. He took a deep breath, teed off and hooked the ball in the direction of the road. The ball went over the fence and bounced off the bike path onto the road, where it hit the tire of a moving bus and was knocked back right onto the green.
As they all stood in silent amazement, John finally asked Moishe, “How on earth did you do that?”
Moishe shrugged his shoulders and said, “You have to know the bus schedule.”
Avi, a devout Israeli farmer, lost his favorite Chumashthat
his grandfather passed down to him; Avi was distraught at
Three weeks later a cow walked up carrying the Chumashin
Avi the farmer couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the book out of the cow’s mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle from Hashem!”
“Not really,” said the cow.
“Your grandfather’s name was written inside the cover.”
Three members of an Israeli high-tech company were walking outdoors during their lunch break – a lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their project manager. Suddenly, they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off.
Poof – out pops a genie.
“Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison,” says the genie. “I can grant you three wishes. Since there are three of you I will grant one wish to each of you.”
The hardware engineer, Dudu, thinks a moment and says, “I’d like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific Ocean.”
“It is done,” said the genie, and poof, Dudu the hardware
Itzik the software engineer thinks a moment and says,
“I’d like to be riding a Harley Davidson motorcycle through the American Southwest.”
“It is done,” said the genie, and poof, Itzik the software
Shimon the project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the genie, “I’d like those two back in the office after lunch.”